Symptoms

There are times I feel like shits.

Day by day passing by, I feel like I'm okay.

How not meeting people and not interacting with others making me triggered.

Trying not to seeing others' post, trying not to post anything unrelated making it more obvious.

Oh I thought I can handle it. But it triggers me more.

I was holding up my feelings, my tears, my deep inside thoughts.

Because I wish I can hide it from everyone.

But I cannot lie my heart because my mind keep denying it.

Trying to keep positive.

Trying to do positive things.

Trying not to thinking bad.

Trying not to do any triggered actions.

But I lied.

Lied to myself about my own condition.

Oh I thought I can handle.

But I also know I couldn't.

Is this the true symptoms that I'm showing?

Do I really feel anxious to thing that I shouldn't?

Do I wanting it to be this way?

Do I really feel like hiding things from everyone will heal it?

I don't want others to see me being pathetic.

I don't want others to see me being so blue.

I don't want others to see me as a crybaby.

But deep inside, I feel tortured.

I feel like I'm faking myself.

Because I don't want other to see me as extra expressive person.

Because I think that was bad?

I'm tired of trying.

I'm effin tired of faking.

I'm damn so tired of hiding.

I wish people can understand it more.

I wish people can give me more.

I wish people can wish me more.

I never stop praying.

That I'll be good someday.

Oh I thought I was okay?

Because I'm not showing any symptoms anymore?

I never stop praying.

That I'll be good some good day.

Oh I thought I'll be okay?

Say no more, locking it myself worse it more.

I never stop praying.

That Lord will make me peace.

Again.

Confession

Hello. I'm back. I know it have a been a while im not typing anything in my blog. Since I have limited words and space in my diary so I guess this is the best place where I spill my teas and my hatred (?) Lol I'm kidding. I don't know who's gonna read this but just make it neutral.

2 years in med school is like a hella hectic. Sad truth is, this is not what I imagined my med school will be like. There are few things yang aku tak suka kat sini. Growing up is hard kan?

I hate to see how we (sad truth i can include myself too) love (?) to compete with each other. Oh I thought been in medschool is like we are in same battlefield, we want to graduate each other, we can do this together. But I guess I'm wrong. Here, yiu can see who is competent and who is not. I know, in order to be a good doctor in this era (i guess) you should be so competent. During your work, you need to show to your boss or even your higher authority that you ARE really competent in this field. And you really CAN DO EVERYTHING. Despite your knowledge and your soft skills, you need to master it all. If not, you can be kicked out from the field. Coz you are so lembik, cannot cope with stress, and ofc because you're dealing with life so you need to be a good doctor. Not a robot. Itu satu benda. Okay sad truth is, I need to solely accept the fact. But study surrounding, be in such a competition surrounding, is really bs. I hate seeing this group is competing with this group to be on top. Shouldn't we help each other, support each other untuk naik sama2? Ni tak, makin nak jatuhkan orang lain ada lah. This one group nal depa je yang grad. Oh iyalah dalam batch ni, macam korang je yang exist. Ni baru preclinical. Tak masuk clinical lagi. Apa nak jadi aku tak tahu lah.

Itu satu. Aku dah babbling macam apa dah. Tak masuk lagi into toxic friendship. You know what, I've been in a state of taknak kisah hal orang. Can you people have a good adult discussion instead of backbiting each other, rasa nak bitter dengan each other. I have my own life principle; if one person leave you, there must be other person that love you. Love yourself first as much as you want people to love you. If people leave you, they don't deserve your worth so why bother if people come and go? And you still have Allah. You are not alone. As long as you know that you are doing the right thing.

Oh about toxic friendship. Ingatkan toxic2 ni relationship je. Rupanya berkawan pon ada yang toxic. Bagi aku lah, kalau dah tak suka, can we just directly tell to that one person (if they asked you WHY), just tell them the truth. Why must you lie? For the sake of nak jaga hati orang? And let yourself yang depress yang tanggung sorang? You are not even beinh toxic to others, but you also being toxic to yourself. And, that is not solving the problem. Instead, you are running from reality, you are scared the consequences that will happen soon. You are afraid people will hate you. Right? Itu tak betul. Communication ni happen in two ways. Kalau the other side tak tahu kenapa kau sedih, kau marah dia ke, bukan kau je affected, dia pon affected. Why? Sebab kau tak bagitahu apa yang kau rasa. Fuh penat. Aku pon faham bila kita nak ambil masa untuk berjauhan nak bersendirian, but understanding is one thing, discussion is one thing.

But at the end of the day, I think we should sit back, muhasabah and think about our wrong deeds too. Bukan nak kata kita maksum. Bukan nak kata semua orang jahat, semua orang buruk. People do have good and bad side. Siapa kita nak judge baik buruk orang? I know that. I acknowledge that. I just feel wrong to be in this kind of society where people are not aware of what is happening around. And for me, in order to be a doctor, you should know what is happening around you. Then here your mind is deciding whether it is good or not. At the end of the day, it is all up to our decision whether we want to be good to human, or the otherwise. I might be sound that I'm complaining, yes I agree with that. But with the complains that I hope, one day, we can change to be a better human. To be a better person.

Whatever it is, I just hope I can survive this hella 5 years well. Yah my friends, I love you all. We just need to lower our ego. That's it. Peace no war.